A Gut Feeling

Do you ever hear that little voice in your head? Do you feel it writhing in your gut, and yet ignore it anyway? Or is it just me?

You want to go with your intuition more than anything but you can’t help but get swept away with what you want to be so right. It’s like I’m hovering over my body, watching one foot step in front of the other, straight toward disaster. I’m screaming at my body to stop and it won’t listen to a word that I say.

I know that I’ll regret every decision that I’m making. I can voice my skepticism to friends but for some reason I can’t digest the words myself. If a friend of mine were in the same situation I would slap some sense into them and urge them to run the other way. Why am I not lacing up my running shoes?

I’m a smart woman. I know the difference between right and wrong. I have good intuition. I know how to put stories together and fish out what doesn’t seem like the truth. The stench of what I’m questioning should be enough for me to walk away. It’s very simple.

And yet here I stand – in the path of disaster. It’s like watching a tornado whirling toward you and not getting out of the way. You know that catastrophe is about to occur right in front of you and you do nothing to protect yourself. And boom.

I am now left with that emptiness that I was so desperately seeking to fill. A few days in dreamland and I’m back to square one. The hole deeper and more painful than it was originally. And I have no one to blame but myself.

My Wonderful World of Dating

Ugh! Gah! Bleh! Dating is so overrated. I can’t believe I’m in this world again. I’ve sprouted little antennas of doubt and it makes me feel so icky inside. At this point I don’t know what’s better – being in an unfulfilling relationship or dealing with the pains of dating. The jury is still out.

I’m just a walking state of awkward. I envision my ruby red slippers clicking together, repeating over and over, “There’s no place like home.” I’m not sure I’m ready for the wild world of dating just yet. I don’t go out every night, I don’t have a handful of gentleman callers that I rotate based on my needs and wishes, and I can’t play dating games to save my life! So I’m stuck with my brutal honesty (to myself and others) and insecure feelings. Why do I feel like I should curl up on a black leather couch somewhere and bare my soul to a complete stranger? There has to be something wrong with me, right?

In my everyday life I don’t ever second-guess the things that people say or the intentions that people have. I trust at face value. That’s part of my charm. But when it comes to my dating life I have a hard time believing what anyone has to say. Don’t tell me that you want to see me tonight and then all of a sudden “have plans” when I become free. You might as well pull my hair on the playground and then run away. I’m not a child anymore.

But at what point am I just causing this drama myself? What if intentions are really true and I’m self-sabotaging it all? I’ve got a carnival of emotions going around and around in my head and I can’t seem to get off the carousel that I’ve created.

And dating becomes that much more challenging and frustrating when all your friends are married. I can remember a time when I would shrug off a free Friday night because I could hang out with my girls. Now all my girls are married with a brood of children. They’re more interested in early morning play dates than gossiping about how dating sucks over cocktails and appetizers. It’s like my support system has evaporated into thin air. I’m sure the Wicked Witch of the West has something to do with that. Hmmm…

I guess this Dorothy is going to have to navigate the yellow brick road solo these days. No cowardly lion to give me the courage to go on an actual date. No scarecrow to remind me to rely on my brain. And no tin man to give me the power to believe in my heart. Just me. It’s time to make myself aware and maybe explore an unbeaten path or two.

Wash Away the Pain

My blessing of the day is to write while sitting by the ocean. My feelings are flowing from my fingertips...

It’s amazing to sit on the patio and marvel at the ocean. Watching the waves roll in one after another like they have no cares in the world. Their sole purpose is to wash onto the sand and create a natural wonder. The simplicity of the act, yet the pure scale of this nature-made beauty, really makes me focus on my own life. What is my purpose? How do I measure up?

Spending nearly a week with your family on vacation would probably be mentally taxing to most people. I’m pretty blessed that I get along well with my parents, brother and sister-in-law. But even without family-created drama I’ve let the week weigh on me like quicksand wrangles a stray animal when they aren’t paying close enough attention to their surroundings. Each breath I take becoming thicker and more shallow from the pressure of the heavy substance against my skin.

I’ve tried to be happy and put on a brave face. Although, my well-trained, stage-induced smile can only get me so far. The last thing I want is for my family to think that I’m not enjoying myself.

My goal has always been to be the best daughter and woman that I could be. I have a list of dreams and goals and yet I feel like none of them have been met. At 32 I guess I feel like I should have accomplished something great. But being here alone, and giving myself time to reflect, is like seeing my dreams washed away with one single wave of water. The same wave that manages to give other people such joy.

I have to be honest. Watching my younger brother and his pregnant wife cuts deeper than I thought. Being here without my beaux is one hurdle that I’m dealing with, but seeing something that I so desperately want right in front of me pulled out pain I didn’t know existed. It hurts from a place I didn’t even know I had. So deep down that I’m destined to never dull the pain.

I know that I was put on the face of this earth to be a good person. And I think I’ve done a pretty good job at that. I’m a solid friend, I would give most people the shirt off my back, and I love deeper than most people I know. But I want more than to be good. I want the kind of love that people envy when they see you walking down the street hand in hand. I want a child that looks like me and has the nuances that I’ve passed along. I want to reap the rewards of working harder than most. And yet when I go to check off my list of achievements I feel like there’s not a single box worth checking.

I struggle to find the happiness that I’m desperately searching for. Most people say that once you find happiness within yourself that life hands happiness right back to you. I just feel like my search for internal contentment has been met with a thwarting desire to sabotage my happiness. And I’ve got to stop this inner war or it’s going to kill me.

My fingers move on the keyboard as tears stream down my face. I feel that I’m mourning the loss of a part of myself. A part that I thought I would have by now. A part that I have to realize I may never have. As I watch the waves roll onto the beach and the children frolicking in excitement I at least hope that their dreams come true and aren’t washed away in years to come. If I could capture that joy in a bottle and somehow digest it for myself I know that I would.

Three Problem Areas

So it's no secret that I've battled my weight for ages. I've tried every fad diet and joined a million gyms in the last 20 years. But I think this time might be the real deal. I've realized that I'm in my 30s now, so I'm gaining weight in different places and feel like an actual adult in my body. So it's time I treat it with the respect that it deserves.

As I try to eat more healthily and work out on a regular basis I've recognized three problem areas that irritate the shit out of me. I'm sure that other women can sympathize with my complaints, but seriously, doesn't this get any easier?

My Middle:
When I was in my twenties I never had an issue with gaining weight around my middle. If anything, that was one of my more attractive areas - flat and smooth. As I've gotten older the weight seems to enjoy sitting around my middle like it's a vacation spot! And let's be honest... that's not an attractive trait.

The Inner Thigh:
A great place for your someone special to place their hand. A bad place to have a weight issue. Now, let's be honest... my thighs have never been the pies de resistance of my body. But as I've gotten older they're a little softer than I would prefer.

My Derriere:
Now this just makes me sad. Ask the first love of my life... I had a nice ass. It was taught and there was an absolute distinction between my butt and the back of my thighs. I don't know what happens with age, but I do know that somehow the place where my butt and legs meet is now merging together in some sort of love affair that I am not a fan of.

So back to the gym I go. The middle, the inner, the back, oh my... or something like that. Oy vey!

Project Transformation – Week 1

I’m starting a transformation diary. [scary]

Not sure I’m going to like what I’m writing down but I know I need to be honest with myself about who I am and what I want out of life. It’s time to start making choices that will expand who I am and encourage me to be the best that I can be (cheesy, but true).

Saturday – 9/3:
I got my hair dyed back to nearly black. Partly because my roots where showing and I didn’t think it was as trendy as the magazines propose, and partly because I feel that the darker hair suits me. It makes me feel like a bit of a vixen and sometimes it’s nice to have that alternate personality when you need to spice up your day. Once my hair was blown out I looked in the mirror and felt like myself for the first time in a long time. More so the outside than the inside, but it’s a start.

Sunday – 9/4:
I’m kind of disgusted by my laziness. I’d rather lie on the couch and watch TV all day rather than do something productive or at least get some fresh air. It’s not like me. But I can’t muster up the energy to do anything. So I’m just sitting here.

Monday – 9/5:
It’s Labor Day. My friends are cooking out, boating and having a grand old time. I’m sitting on my couch – alone. Jeff is with his family and I’m here doing nothing. I don’t doubt that I need a lot of relaxation with everything that’s been going on but I wish I could just put one foot in front of the other and actually do something. Mission failed.

Tuesday – 9/6:
Today will be a better day. It’s all about my attitude and the energy I put forth. I will succeed today. I’ve made plans to join 24-Hour Fitness. I can bitch all I want about my recent weight gain but I need to be a big girl and do something about it. It’s unfortunate that medication made me gain weight, but it’s even more unfortunate that I’m not busting my ass in the gym to remedy the situation. I also talked my co-workers into starting a book club with me. Just something small to increase my social circle. Something that’s just for me. I like that.

Wednesday – 9/7:
I had a heart-to-heart with my JB today. I told him about all the things that were bothering me and weighing on me so heavily. He knows just how to clear my mind and sooth my stresses. Not sure what I’d do without him. We haven’t known each other long but yet we fit like a well-made suit.

I finally made a workout schedule. It may seem ridiculous to some folks but to me it was like outlining my goals – and once they’re on paper I have to follow through. Then I made a calendar for Jeff of all the days that I’d be working out after work or doing things for myself. It made me feel good and I hope it helped Jeff understand my recent plan for transformation.

And I finally worked out tonight! I joined 24-Hour Fitness and even took a Cardio Dance class. I really wish the workout rooms didn’t have mirrors – it’s just embarrassing. I somehow lost any rhythm I once claimed to have. I was like an old lady, at a wedding, trying to bust a move with the 20-year-olds. I attempted moves that I’m pretty sure aren’t legal in some states (someone should video this shit!). To make matters worse, I was shaking my groove thing in front of windows that faced all of the fit and trim fans of treadmills. It was like they were running toward this hot mess of a dancer! I was like – RUN THE OTHER WAY!!!

Thursday – 9/8:
I woke up sore this morning. But it was a nice change. I actually felt like I did something good for myself. I even got to work early and crossed a million things off my to do list. But I missed Abby dearly. Not having her at work makes me sad. Whit, JB and Tim are amazing, but my friendship with Abby was just different. It was a friendship that had matured over time and made it through the ups and downs of time. Definitely something you can’t recreate in three months.

I worked late – as usual. But this time I really didn’t want to go home. I could have worked all night. What does that say about me?

Friday – 9/9:
The electricity went out this morning! I was getting up and didn’t even have a chance to finish showering or pick out clothes. Let’s just say I graced work with wet waves and all black clothing. I wasn’t taking the chance of putting two clashing colors on together.

I laughed hard at work today – and I needed that. It’s amazing how laughter can affect your day. I feel like my job is really putting pressure on me to turn over projects left and right. I love what I do but I would be lying if I said I wasn’t stressed. I don’t think I’ve ever worked this hard in my life. I just want an opportunity to reap the rewards.

I worked until 7:45 p.m. It's pathetic that I feel more comfortable at my desk than at home these days. I feel such a strong urge to fix that.

Project Transformation

Have you ever awoken to realize that your life just isn’t what you thought it would be? Or that the things you have don’t fulfill your true desires? Well, welcome to my life. [life: enter stage left]

So here’s the skinny (or the not so skinny in my case). I never thought I’d be where I am at the ripened age of 32. My dream was to be married with a handful of kids before I hit the damned 3-0… and possibly functioning as a stay-at-home mom with a healthy obsession of working out on a regular basis and lunching with my friends now and then. Unfortunately, as I go down that checklist of goals I’m afraid I can’t scratch a single one off.

Yes, I have a fabulous career. And yes, I have amazing people in my life. But some things are just missing. And I can’t deny that. To make matters worse, my weight has skyrocketed in the last year. Between kidney issues and day-to-day stresses I’ve clearly consoled my woes with extra helpings and my infamous cake balls.

So that’s where Project Transformation came into play. Somewhere between extra long days at the office and a secretive bowl of ice cream at midnight I came to the conclusion that I needed to get back to the key ingredients that make me who I am. I realized that I won’t be satisfied with anything in my life until I’m happy with myself – body, mind and soul. So cliché, right?

As part of my transformation I’m focusing on several key areas of my life: relationships, health/wellness and finances. The idea is to set simple goals in those three areas of my life and track my progress until the end of the year. I’ve started keeping a simple journal about the highs and lows of each day during the transformation. Writing it down seems to keep me honest (you think?). It also forces me to really appreciate the good things and truly evaluate the bad things – why did they happen and what can I do to remedy the situation?

I hope to blog about Project Transformation once a week. Kind of a quippy recap of my personal project status, if you will. And there are sure to be a lot of comical stories about my adventures at the gym (trust me).

The journey to find happiness may take some crazy turns but I know that I will grow as a person and hopefully be able to cross a couple goals off my list come the end of the year.

Innocent Love

It’s amazing the affect that flirtation has on me. Even the simplest wink of an eye or a few words in an email can make me blush and remind what it’s like to feel 16 again. I painfully wish for the rush of sweet words and the sultry goose bumps those words leave upon my skin.

I can vividly recall being in my teens and how the then-love of my life made me feel just by looking at me with a certain glimmer in his eyes. God, how I dream of a singular moment like that now that I’m in my 30s. What is it about adult love that slights the innocent emotions of a first love?

I miss feeling the tingle of uncertainty and yet the desire to journey through the unknown just to finally experience love in its purest form. What fond memories I have of falling in love for the first time – each step of the process more meaningful than I knew at that time. Looking back on it now, I would cherish each moment, each special glance made just for me, each time he took my hand in his.

Those stories – the memories that formed my opinion of love – are so deeply ingrained in who I am. They are the feelings that encourage me to continue to fight for a love that will sustain me through a lifetime. The type of love that keeps you afloat during the good times and the bad times; the type of love that reminds you of how lucky you are to be alive and experience such an amazing emotion; the type of love that makes you feel like you have it all.

So, to that special someone – and you know who you are – thank you for reminding me how amazing love can be. Thank you for awakening the part of me that forgot what it is to be the center of someone’s attention because they care so deeply for you. You formed the definition of love that I carry with me to this day and I will never be able to thank you enough for that gift.

A Good Man with a Side of Kid

Let me make it very clear that I had no intention of dating a man with children. My friend Meghan always told me to stay clear of guys who had kids because I get too involved. Well, I didn't listen to myself or my friend. Typical.

Damn... It's hard being a step mom. Anyone who has ever thought that coming into an established family is easy... is very, very wrong!

I had dinner with my old roommate last night and it was amazing to hear someone else tell stories of being a step mom. It was like she had jumped into my brain and was reiterating all the things that I was secretly feeling. It almost made me feel normal to hear that I wasn't the only one going through this emotional turmoil.

As I'm sure you already know, I had the fortunate luck of meeting a man who already had a child. And not just any child - but a pre-teen with her own opinions and unique take on the world. After the first few months of experiencing the "family" dynamic I knew it would have been easier to take on an ex-wife with an infant over an adolescent who had already determined I was there to take her place.

Horrible thoughts go through your mind when you're a step parent. You're constantly asking yourself if you'd do things differently or see situations from another point of view if the child was biologically yours. I fight that battle every day. And the sad part is that kids don't ask to play the part of "child with divorced parents."

I've really gained a level of respect for my own parents as I wade through this discovery process of being a step parent. The sacrafice you make when you bring a child into a family is incredible. And although this experiece has been trying, I definitely think that I'll be a better parent when I have children because of it.

But if you see me sitting in my car banging my head on the steering wheel, please consider this blog entry your warning.

Damn Weight!

Mom Lively wasn't kidding when she said that losing weight gets harder as you get older. I should have listened to her more than a decade ago when she looked me straight in the eyes and said, "Enjoy the body that you have now!"

I think work, love, stress, and life in general is making me gain weight - and not allowing me to lose any! The added stress of not being able to shed pounds is sending my mind into orbit.

I've always stood by the statement that one should wear their clothes and not allow the clothes to wear them. Well, when you gain weight... your clothes wear you! And rather tightly I might add. You just don't feel good when you pull on your favorite jeans and there's a two-inch gap between the button and the hole. Yes. That's my tragic situation (and it might be more like three inches if I were being truly honest).

Weight has always been an issue in my life. I was either too fat and testing out all fad diets, or I was too thin and going to drastic measures to meet society's standards. And I stare in the mirror today I am probably close to the heaviest I've ever been. It's depressing.

I fight the battle of the bulge by watching my calories and logging every morsel that goes into my mouth into the MyFitnessPal app. It keeps you honest but the weight doesn't come off very quickly. I counted every calorie that I consumed for 10 days, not to exceed 1230 calories per day, and lost 3.5 pounds. Then we have one death in the family and three days of eating to mend our broken hearts and I've gained all of it back... plus two pounds that I hate more than you can imagine! And I didn't even think I was eating that much!!!

All that to say, I'm back on the calorie-counting wagon and I have no plans of jumping off any time soon. In fact, I think I'm going to add weekly vigorous activity to my routine (and I think sex counts!).

Dear Readers... It's Been So Long!

I can't believe that I haven't posted a story since April! I am a definite slacker! But so much has been going on in this 30-something's life. Too much for words, actually!

I know that this is going to come as a huge surprise for most of my readers, but I'm actually becoming a legal step-mom! That's right... goodbye nights of debauchery and hello family dinners! What has happened to the Nic Lively that we've all grown to love?

In November of last year I met an amazing man. This amazing man happens to have a pre-teen daughter (oye ve!). And this past June the man of my dreams got down on one knee and asked me to spend the rest of my life with him. After some laughter, some tears and an awkward moment where I thought I was going to faint, I said YES.

Now, for those of you who think that I won't have any great stories about being 30-something and trying to find my way through life... you are wrong! I've learned more about who I am, what I want in life, and what I need to work on just by being a fiance and a step-mom. Announcement to the world - I AM NOT PERFECT!

I hope to still write about love - the ups, the downs and the inbetweens. Lord knows that I'm just a novice learning how to love the right way. So for the meantime, I'm definitely going to blog about my normal topics and you know I'll throw in some scandalous material here and there.

If you're interested in the wedding details, you should check out our wedding blog. Who would I be if I didn't share the intimate details of my life with the world?

Till next time...