My blessing of the day is to write while sitting by the ocean. My feelings are flowing from my fingertips...It’s amazing to sit on the patio and marvel at the ocean. Watching the waves roll in one after another like they have no cares in the world. Their sole purpose is to wash onto the sand and create a natural wonder. The simplicity of the act, yet the pure scale of this nature-made beauty, really makes me focus on my own life. What is my purpose? How do I measure up?
Spending nearly a week with your family on vacation would probably be mentally taxing to most people. I’m pretty blessed that I get along well with my parents, brother and sister-in-law. But even without family-created drama I’ve let the week weigh on me like quicksand wrangles a stray animal when they aren’t paying close enough attention to their surroundings. Each breath I take becoming thicker and more shallow from the pressure of the heavy substance against my skin.
I’ve tried to be happy and put on a brave face. Although, my well-trained, stage-induced smile can only get me so far. The last thing I want is for my family to think that I’m not enjoying myself.
My goal has always been to be the best daughter and woman that I could be. I have a list of dreams and goals and yet I feel like none of them have been met. At 32 I guess I feel like I should have accomplished something great. But being here alone, and giving myself time to reflect, is like seeing my dreams washed away with one single wave of water. The same wave that manages to give other people such joy.
I have to be honest. Watching my younger brother and his pregnant wife cuts deeper than I thought. Being here without my beaux is one hurdle that I’m dealing with, but seeing something that I so desperately want right in front of me pulled out pain I didn’t know existed. It hurts from a place I didn’t even know I had. So deep down that I’m destined to never dull the pain.
I know that I was put on the face of this earth to be a good person. And I think I’ve done a pretty good job at that. I’m a solid friend, I would give most people the shirt off my back, and I love deeper than most people I know. But I want more than to be good. I want the kind of love that people envy when they see you walking down the street hand in hand. I want a child that looks like me and has the nuances that I’ve passed along. I want to reap the rewards of working harder than most. And yet when I go to check off my list of achievements I feel like there’s not a single box worth checking.
I struggle to find the happiness that I’m desperately searching for. Most people say that once you find happiness within yourself that life hands happiness right back to you. I just feel like my search for internal contentment has been met with a thwarting desire to sabotage my happiness. And I’ve got to stop this inner war or it’s going to kill me.
My fingers move on the keyboard as tears stream down my face. I feel that I’m mourning the loss of a part of myself. A part that I thought I would have by now. A part that I have to realize I may never have. As I watch the waves roll onto the beach and the children frolicking in excitement I at least hope that their dreams come true and aren’t washed away in years to come. If I could capture that joy in a bottle and somehow digest it for myself I know that I would.
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